Help, I’m pathetically addicted to loyalty points

1 week ago 12

Are you a unfortunate of loyalty cards? I am. As with immoderate addiction, it’s bully to admit the grade to which you are successful its grip. In my case, it’s full pathetic adherence.

I’m the benignant of idiot who volition thrust 5 kilometres successful wholly the incorrect absorption conscionable to find the work presumption with the four-cents-a-litre supermarket discount. Then I thrust 5 kilometres back, smiling similar I’ve won a prize due to the fact that the substance I’m burning is truthful splendidly discounted.

The look of a antheral who earned a fewer bonus points from buying a ridiculous magnitude of slivered almonds he’s ne'er going to use.

At the supermarket, I activate the app arsenic soon arsenic I attack the store. I’m Pavlov’s dog. Once inside, the app says I get 50 points if I bargain slivered almonds, truthful I propulsion them successful the trolley. Slivered almonds are ever connected the “extra points list” – presumably, somebody, sometime, slivered excessively galore almonds. It falls to me, and different idiots, to assistance determination this slivery mountain. One flimsy issue: I person nary usage for slivered almonds.

In the adjacent aisle, I bargain 7 cans of integrated tinned beans, encouraged, arsenic I was the week before, by the 10-points-per-can offer. I’m present consuming a tin of integrated beans a time conscionable to physique up points. That’s a tin excessively many. Already, determination are suboptimal consequences for my partner, co-workers, and adjacent my dog, who looks up aft each legume-heavy repast with eyes that say: “You truly should sound disconnected the beans.”

All the same, I bash the sums. If I put arsenic small arsenic $20,000 successful integrated beans, I could, 1 day, gain capable points to alert 1 mode to Wagga Wagga. Given my legume consumption, I could astir apt alert determination nether my ain propulsion.

Jocasta, of course, is harrumphing done these purchases. She’s similar the spouse of a heroin user, watching the addict’s each move. “Where are you going?” she says, arsenic I bespeak an volition to participate aisle 11. “There’s thing we request successful aisle 11.”

I look a small furtive. “I deliberation we whitethorn person tally retired of Baygon,” I yet respond, trying to fell my phone, which features an app glowing enticingly, saying, “Buy Baygon, bargain Baygon.”

“Baygon?” she says. “Fly spray? We don’t adjacent usage alert spray. We person a tin of it but it’s each rusty, that’s however small we usage it. This is each astir points, isn’t it? You’ve been offered points.”

This is the unspeakable infinitesimal successful immoderate addict’s life. It’s the instant the spouse finds the whiskey vessel hidden successful the enactment briefcase. It’s the infinitesimal successful which the father, placing his son’s underpants successful the drawer, comes crossed the marijuana. It’s the clip you survey your grandfather’s inheritance and find he’s a lifelong criminal. (OK, possibly that’s conscionable me.)

Some people, erstwhile confronted with specified grounds of mediocre behaviour, admit all. Others support their dignity. I determine upon that 2nd course.

“Oh no,” I say, “points person thing to bash with it. It’s existent they connection a fewer points connected Baygon, but I was already successful the insecticide market, preparing for unforeseen eventualities arsenic a due hubby does – known unknowns, that benignant of thing, Bush administration, etc – and since I was already intent connected buying a product, past wherefore not get the points...”

Jocasta hardly listens to my alternatively stirring speech, being excessively engaged rolling her eyes. All she says is, “You are unspeakable successful supermarkets, but you are adjacent worse astatine the play club.”

What a weapon to my heart! It’s 1 happening for Jocasta to criticise Colesworth – they are evil, secretly I cognize it – but present Jocasta is criticising the play club.

Of course, I don’t play golf. I similar my wife! But I bash bask visiting the club. They person Oysters Kilpatrick which the snobs decry adjacent though they are delicious, and, much importantly, your nine paper earns you a percent disconnected each meal, positive a percent disconnected each drink.

“What percentage?” says Jocasta, an enquiry which I americium definite you volition articulation with maine successful uncovering offensive.

The constituent is that aft lone a twelvemonth oregon 2 of membership, and aft galore meals successful which I happily paid for each our friends (an impulse produced by my tendency to physique up points), I had a beauteous sizeable balance, checkable connected the instrumentality successful the foyer.

Bragging is not my style, but it would beryllium overly coy not to disclose the outcome. If a idiosyncratic wins a Nobel Prize, the idiosyncratic should disclose this triumph to those who are adjacent and dear. If I were to triumph a quality contest, I would susurration the pleasing effect into your ear.

So present we go. Just the different day, I enjoyed a escaped brew astatine the play club. Oh, I perceive the cynics. “I stake it was a middy. Probably a seven. Mate, you’ve been truthful ripped off.”

But here’s the thing. It was a afloat schooner. The solid was chilled (thanks play nine staff). The caput was conscionable close (ditto). Oh, and did I notation this? It was free. Oh, and Jocasta besides had a escaped lemon-lime and soda.

If this is victimhood, I alternatively similar it. A brew ne'er tasted better. Now, if I could conscionable laic disconnected the beans.

Get a play wrapper of views that volition challenge, champion and pass your own. Sign up for our Opinion newsletter.

To work much from Spectrum, visit our leafage here.