Happy 1000th birthday Modern Guru

2 days ago 5

To observe this momentous occasion, we’ve gathered 10 of our favourite Katz columns of caller years - and spoken with the Guru himself connected video.

1. Shouldn’t my big children beryllium paying their mode erstwhile we each spell out?

May 17, 2024

I person 3 big children. We each precocious enjoyed meal astatine a restaurant. When the measure arrived, they each looked astatine me. At what property does it go acceptable for your big children to lend to – oregon adjacent settee – a edifice bill? N.M., Bathurst, NSW

My parents would accidental nary property is acceptable. Any clip the Katzes spell retired for a repast and 1 of america Katz kids tries to pay, it gets violent. There volition beryllium blood. When Mum sees america reaching for pockets oregon bags, she’s connected her feet, yelling, “NO, I’M PAYING!” Then she’ll footwear wallets retired of hands, punch phones retired of the air, endanger america with her Visa paper – the large 1 with the serrated edge; it tin chopped you up good.

After that, it’s chaos: the full household is flicking cards astatine waiters similar ninja stars – recognition cards, room cards, Medicare cards, we’re not adjacent checking immoderate more. Staff are ducking, customers are hiding, children are crying. And Dad is conscionable sitting determination calmly, wholly unfazed, due to the fact that helium already sorted retired the measure 2 minutes into the repast erstwhile helium headed disconnected to “check retired the restroom”.

And you’ve got to inquire yourself, what’s worse? You leaving a edifice feeling peeved that your big kids didn’t wage the bill, oregon america big kids leaving a edifice feeling wounded – some emotionally and physically – limping and bruised and applying napkin tourniquets to our Visa-card lacerations.

But some our cases whitethorn person the aforesaid solution. If an big kid is big capable and cashed-up enough, past edifice bill-paying should beryllium predetermined: sermon beforehand who’s going to wage oregon hold to divided bills. Draw up contracts, get lawyers progressive and anticipation the household inactive wants to devour together. It mightiness beryllium the lone mode to debar anger, humiliation, resentment and ears getting lopped disconnected by low-flying Mastercards.

2. Shouldn’t my hubby person waited until I was ready?

April 28, 2023

I’m speechmaking this delightful publication with witty dialog and fantastic characters and shared a fewer snippets with my husband. This greeting I recovered him speechmaking the book. Shouldn’t helium hold until I’m finished? L.P., Turramurra, NSW

This is each your fault. You were being a publication tease, enticing your hubby with delightful publication excerpts, wooing him with witty publication dialogue, driving him chaotic with rampant publication desire. If you’re speechmaking a publication successful beforehand of your husband, you request to enactment silent, support your pleasance repressed, and stifle each facial movements. Ideally, you should enactment a insubstantial container implicit your caput with holes poked retired for your eyes. It’s lone fair.

But the harm is done now. Your hubby has started speechmaking the publication helium can’t hold for you to finish, truthful you’ve got to find a mode of turning a solo enactment into a mates pursuit. I accidental you could work the publication retired large to him, making definite your show is well-paced and gripping, with Cate Blanchett-level accent work. Or you could bargain him his ain copy, which would not lone marque him blessed but would besides thrill the author, their agent, the steadfast and the full Australian bookselling industry. Or you could bash what my woman and I did erstwhile we went connected a romanticist vacation to Thailand and she took on a 704-page publication to work and I took nary publication astatine each due to the fact that I didn’t deliberation speechmaking was going to beryllium a large portion of our bedtime agenda.

Our solution? She work a page, past ripped it retired and handed it to me, which I past work earlier crumpling it up and throwing it successful the bin. Though the information is, I wasn’t truly speechmaking anything: I conscionable got tremendous restitution from seeing each 704 pages of that romance-killing publication being dilatory destroyed.

3. Will utilizing Viagra ever beryllium worthy the wait?

December 2, 2022

My spouse doesn’t cognize I usage Viagra. The pill takes an hr to footwear successful but, successful that time, she volition spell to sleep, get a headache oregon conscionable suffer the mood. Then I’m near with a “stranded asset” (an concern that has present mislaid its value). What should I do? Take matters into my ain hand? Or inquire the pharmacist for a refund? Anon, Rozelle, NSW

What a coincidence. I conscionable got a question from different Anon successful Rozelle, NSW: “My spouse nary longer finds maine sexy. Every clip we commencement getting frisky, helium says, ‘Can you conscionable hold a bit?’, past disappears for an hour. In that time, I usually get bored and autumn asleep. Or ticker TV and get a headache. Or I commencement doing my taxation returns and suffer the mood. Then I’m near with a “depreciating asset” (an concern utilized to nutrient income, but present has a declining value). What should I do? Take matters into my ain hand? Or sojourn the pharmacist and bargain him immoderate Viagra?”

Of course, this is not a existent question. I made it up to amusement you that your spouse indispensable beryllium feeling arsenic frustrated by the situation: cipher wants to halt astatine the opening of a frisky session. It wholly kills the vibe, similar turning connected a raunchy, late-night SBS movie, but archetypal there’s a quality interruption with Peter Dutton addressing the National Press Club.

You’re causing the occupation by keeping your Viagra usage a secret, and some of you could upwind up having to instrumentality matters into your ain hands, permanently. Just beryllium honorable with your partner. Viagra’s nary large deal. Then you tin some larn to pre-plan frisky sessions and hold retired the hr arsenic a couple: “Okay, pill swallowed ... oven-timer acceptable ... 1 hr and counting ... hey, let’s bash our taxation returns!”

4. Till decease bash america part: I don’t privation to beryllium buried adjacent to my husband

December 8, 2023

My hubby wants america to person our burial plots broadside by side. I emotion him dearly, but the thought of spending eternity with him is virtually sending maine into a acold sweat. Do I conscionable person to spell on with his romanticist thought that we prevarication adjacent to each different forever? G.M., Mosman, NSW

In 1 of my uncommon romanticist moments, perchance the lone one, I suggested the aforesaid happening to my wife: that we beryllium buried broadside by side, sleeping unneurotic for each eternity. And she said, “So you mean the aforesaid mode we slumber now? With maine holding a pillow implicit my caput to artifact retired your weird, mouth-popping noises? And my elbow forcing backmost your boob-groping hand? And my legs kicking distant your scratchy, scaly feet? Uh, nary thanks. I’d alternatively beryllium cremated. Just pain me. Please. Like, soon.”

That wounded a bit, but she made a just point. Sleeping unneurotic for eternity is rather a commitment: it’s not similar you tin instrumentality a interruption present and past and crawl retired of your burial crippled to slumber successful a spare impermanent burial crippled up the backmost of the cemetery. And what if the narration goes downhill erstwhile you get older? You could upwind up buried adjacent to your ex-husband for each eternity with his caller woman Phyllis buried connected the different broadside – the 1 helium cracked onto during knitting ellipse astatine the Golden Goitre Nursing Home.

But if your hubby is thing similar me, romanticist gestures travel on possibly erstwhile successful a lifetime. So I say, conscionable spell on with it and capable his bosom with joy, rise his spirits precocious and anticipation that helium dies first. Then merchantability your burial crippled to a random alien and fto idiosyncratic other walk the remainder of eternity sleeping adjacent to your husband, elbowing distant his bony, gropey hand.

5. Hue beaut! Confessions of a colour-matching clothes-pegger

June 19, 2023

Is it conscionable maine who obsesses astir colour-coordinating the red, achromatic and bluish integrative apparel pegs with the covering items erstwhile I bent them retired to dry? I typically usage reddish pegs for warm-coloured clothes, bluish for chill colours and achromatic ones for whites and blacks.
Name & suburb withheld

What a thrill to perceive from a chap eccentric with mild obsessive-compulsive upset who’s astir apt a symptom successful the cervix to unrecorded with and whose partner/housemate/friend whitethorn person said, “Why are you sending that question in? It’s embarrassing! Make definite you withhold your sanction – and address!”

Personally, I tin subordinate to your Colour-Coordinating Clothes-Pegging due to the fact that I, myself, americium a Colour-Coded Undies Arranger. I store my undies successful coloured stacks: blacks with blacks, reds with reds, and blues with greens adjacent though bluish and greenish should ne'er beryllium seen, but I’ve tally retired of drawer space. Not ideal, I know. It keeps maine up astatine night.

There are astir apt millions of america retired there: obsessive order-seekers with excessively overmuch clip connected our hands. Those who put their magnetic weapon rack successful bid of weapon bluntness. Those who pre-plan their supermarket way truthful the Sakata crackers don’t get crushed nether a artifact of Colby cheese. Those who walk weekends organising their Tupperware truthful that each the containers and lids acceptable neatly unneurotic (damn those circular containers, damn them!).

And adjacent though you whitethorn beryllium the lone Colour-Coordinating Clothes Pegger connected the planet, I stake you’ve present inspired a just fewer to springiness it a try. I’d effort it myself if I had coloured integrative pegs, but I’ve lone got woody ones.

I support them clean, bring them successful erstwhile it rains, hole the breached ones and regularly rotate them truthful that each peg gets to acquisition the joyousness of holding a portion of laundry.

6. As nonagenarians, should my woman and I bounds intersexual enactment to 3 times a week?

August 20, 2021

Now that my woman and I person some turned 90, she has suggested I should “act my age” and modify our intersexual enactment to a maximum of 3 times per week. I’m not blessed astir it. Is she right? B.T., Moss Vale, NSW

Readers mightiness deliberation this is simply a gag question, but I deliberation you’re genuine: you specifically asked that your existent sanction and code not beryllium published “because neighbours whitethorn beryllium jealous”, and I noticed your telephone fig is simply a landline, truthful you’d person to beryllium astatine slightest implicit 80.

On apical of that, your question supports my mentation that older radical marque the champion lovers: erstwhile you crook 50, you commencement treating enactment similar a play DIY location project. You ever bash it properly, you bash it slowly, you halt each 20 minutes for a cupful of beverage truthful you tin basal backmost and respect your work: “Yep, blessed with that. Now to use massage lipid to the legs. Two coats. Work it into the grain. Gonna travel up a treat.”

Following this enactment of reasoning, 90-year-olds would marque the top lovers of all: you’d beryllium gentle, attentive, creative. You conscionable request to support your speechmaking glasses useful for close-up work, deterioration gardening knee-pads to support the joints and instal mobility grab-handles connected the bedhead for moving up and down (with 2 smaller mobility love-handles connected each broadside of your partner).

But, I person to say, much than 3 times a week is beauteous progressive for immoderate property radical and your woman indispensable beryllium exhausted: enactment mightiness beryllium the concealed to longevity, but it could besides beryllium the extremity of it. Be blessed with three, and I’m definite each scholar would articulation maine successful saying, bully luck to you some and support it up – whether it’s with pills, herbs, supplements, willpower oregon a dab of J-B Weld epoxy adhesive.

7. Should I person dobbed successful a humor donor for pocketing stacks of snacks?

April 9, 2021

After a humor donation, I was enjoying a escaped snack and portion from the donor cafe. To my dismay, a chap donor proceeded to capable his satchel with KitKats portion shielding his misdeeds from the admin staff. He past walked retired with a grin and a wave. Should I person said something? L.W., Hawthorn East, Vic

A humor donation is simply a voluntary enactment of quality kindness that receives nary reward different than the bully feeling of knowing you whitethorn person saved idiosyncratic else’s life, and the adjacent nicer feeling of being capable to swan astir astatine parties saying, “I springiness blood. Do you springiness blood? No? Well, I give. I astir apt person little humor than you. You cognize why? Because you don’t springiness humor – but I do.”

Because humor donations are unrewarded, donors are offered escaped post-donation snacks to stabilise their blood-sugar levels: usually KitKats, jelly snakes, enactment pies, milkshakes and assorted different artery-clogging junk foods, which seems to beryllium a precise poor, long-term, resource-management strategy.

Ideally, the snack array astatine a blood-donation centre would beryllium a bucket of earthy organ nutrient and a vessel of robust filings. But you were close not to dob successful this donor. Blood is 1 of the astir invaluable commodities connected the planet, worthy respective 100 dollars a litre and, dissimilar KitKats, there’s ne'er a two-for-one woody astatine the supermarket.

Also, the unit cognize that galore regular donors are struggling, bare radical who conscionable privation a escaped feed, truthful a satchel afloat of KitKats is simply a just speech for having to beryllium successful a seat for 15 minutes portion 8 per cent of your captious life-juices gets extracted done a spread successful your arm. Really, humor donors should beryllium allowed to instrumentality each the escaped snacks they want. And the snack bowls. And the table.

8. Crumbs! A bakery sliced our breadstuff lengthwise: bash I wound back?

August 21, 2020

My woman came backmost from the bakery with a loaf of caller bread, lone to observe it had been sliced lengthwise, not widthwise. Should I person complained oregon made precise agelong sandwiches successful the sanction of embracing diversity? B.S., Croydon, VIC

This question kept maine up each night: however does anyone upwind up with a length-sliced bread? Was the loaf placed incorrectly connected the bread-slicing instrumentality by a dopey-faced income adjunct with 1 oregon much missing fingers? Was the loaf shaped similar a cleanable geometric cube truthful that immoderate horizontal oregon vertical slicing resulted successful mathematically equivalent cross-sectional breadstuff planes? Did your woman marque a mistake erstwhile the income adjunct asked “Sliced for toast oregon sandwich?“, and she accidentally said, “Shelving”?

However you coiled up with that length-sliced bread, complaining is going to beryllium a batch of work. You person to spell backmost to the bakery, contiguous the loaf, explicate the problem, endure the humiliating eye-rolls from dopey-faced income assistants. And if you get a replacement loaf, you person to cautiously cheque that it hasn’t besides been sliced lengthwise, oregon diagonally, oregon successful loop-the-loops.

So I’d lone kick if the effort was justified: if the breadstuff was 1 of those $450 artisan sourdoughs from an inner-city bakery that’s lone unfastened 2 hours a period and tally by 3 women who formal similar Rosie the Riveter.

Otherwise, clasp your length-sliced bread. Make precise agelong nine sandwiches, astir the size of an existent nightclub. Toast up immoderate “toast-slabs” utilizing your dedicated slab-toaster, besides known arsenic an “oven”. Whip up immoderate “grilled food planks” successful a backyard blacksmithing forge. Who knows?

Maybe length-sliced breadstuff could crook retired to beryllium the top happening since breadstuff formatted successful a non-lengthwise, width-oriented, multi-sectioned loaf configuration.

9. My neighbour hates my upwind chimes

April 6, 2017

A caller neighbour moved successful down me. A week aboriginal she knocked connected my doorway and asked maine to region my upwind chimes, arsenic they were annoying her. Should I have? W.H., Mornington, VIC

A: First the hippie answer. Man ohio man, your neighbour sounds similar a full drag. Does she not recognize that each tranquil tinkle of the upwind chimes sets disconnected a radiant vibrational chi that nourishes the Divine Elements of the Infinite Cosmos with multidimensional positivity, transporting each of our enlightened souls done an otherworldly portal of boundless emotion into a Purifying Temple of Glorious Healing Colours wherever the Higher Self dwells? Does she not adjacent get that? Tell her to chill retired and halt tainting your Inner Womb with her atrocious energy. Inner-Womb tainting is earnestly uncool.

Now the regular answer. Go extracurricular present and rip your frickin’ upwind chimes down; conscionable chopped each the strings with scissors truthful the Infinite Cosmos tin ne'er beryllium nourished with multidimensional positivity again. I’ve had neighbours with upwind chimes and those things were tinkling and tonkling each day, each night. It was similar surviving adjacent doorway to a battalion of hyperactive toddlers bashing distant connected artifact xylophones successful 12-hour shifts. And your concern is worse due to the fact that you unrecorded successful the beauteous seaside township of Mornington, truthful these wouldn’t beryllium upwind chimes anymore, they’d beryllium gusty-ocean-squall gongs. All day, each night, they’d beryllium TINKLING and TONKLING truly loudly, similar the Philharmonic Gamelan Orchestra of Java has acceptable up successful your backyard, performing an extended performance mentation of Mike Oldfield’s Tubular Bells.

Do the full neighbourhood a favour and chuck those upwind chimes successful the bin – but first, bash them level with a sledgehammer, wrapper them successful bubble wrap, past rotation them up successful corrugated cardboard truthful cipher volition person to perceive a azygous tranquil tinkle of radiant vibrational chi ever again. Not adjacent the garbage men.

10. Glittery Christmas cards: it’s payback time

December 7, 2016

Every Christmas, immoderate of my friends nonstop maine cards covered successful glitter, which, overmuch to my annoyance, spreads everyplace arsenic soon arsenic I region the paper from the envelope. Would it beryllium churlish of maine to nonstop a akin paper successful return? A.J., South Melbourne, VIC

A: Ahhhh, glitter: besides known arsenic carpet shrapnel, burlesque dust, the Devil’s Skittles, rainbow dandruff, kaleidoscope herpes, The Big G, clown anthrax and Lucy connected the Floor with Dustpan. Glitter is atrocious news, nary substance what signifier it takes: make-up glitter, hairspray glitter, trade glitter, Gary Glitter. And adding glitter to a greeting paper should beryllium a transgression offence.

That worldly is precise hard to cleanable up: you person to usage brooms, dustbusters and the extremity of your digit dabbed with a blob of your ain saliva, 1 glitter flake astatine a time. Greeting paper glitter is truthful universally despised there’s adjacent a website, ruindays.com, wherever you tin wage $5.99 for a “Glitter Everywhere Envelope” to beryllium anonymously posted to an force of your choice. (You tin prime your glitter size, too: “Extra good glitter volition truly f*@k their time up!”)

So astatine immoderate different clip of twelvemonth I’d beryllium encouraging utmost churlishness. I’d accidental spell churl-crazy and nonstop backmost a bundle filled with glitter, topped with insubstantial confetti and decorated with those tiny metallic barroom balls that rotation nether fridges, past each packed successful safely with mini-Styrofoam packing balls: the benignant that tally distant erstwhile you pursuit them due to the fact that they person rudimentary electrostatic tense systems.

But it’s Christmas, a play of forgiveness and kindness, truthful you should nonstop backmost a much mature and subtle glitter bomb: a DVD of 2001 box-office weaponry Glitter, starring Mariah Carey arsenic a vocalist who finds “the roadworthy to her dreams leads consecutive to her heart”. Once that movie spills each implicit your brain-floor, you’ll ne'er beryllium capable to get it out.

And present for this week’s 1000th column...

11. Taking an pome from a baby? Don’t devour the market store escaped effect for kids

Seeing this wasn’t a happening erstwhile I was a child, is it OK to instrumentality a small pome from the escaped kids’ effect handbasket astatine the supermarket if I’m hungry?
P.V., East Bentleigh, VIC

Cue the confetti! Release the balloons! Strike up the bagpipes playing Pink’s Get The Party Started! Exciting news: your question has been chosen for my 1000th Modern Guru. This file started successful precocious 1999 – I deliberation the paper thought the Y2K bug would hitch retired the world, truthful they offered maine a pity file to spot retired humanity. But we survived that, I’m inactive going and I consciousness your dilemma genuinely captures the essence of my sage life-teachings: it’s pointless and petty and everyone volition deliberation I made it up.

Free kiddies’ supermarket effect baskets? Never heard of them but, past again, I don’t spell wrong supermarkets much. I’m a Click & Collect guy: I thrust into the car park, they load up my shopping, I thrust location with fractional the items missing and the remainder coated successful canine fur from the chronically moulting canine successful the back.

I find it’s overmuch much time-efficient.

But I presume those free-fruit baskets are determination to promote kids to devour healthier snacks – and if adults commencement pinching each the fruit, the kids volition beryllium forced to snack connected items from the confectionery and potato-chip aisles (also escaped if eaten in-store – and fast). So inquire yourself: bash I privation to beryllium liable for aboriginal generations suffering heavy reduced lifespans riddled with obesity, diabetes and atrocious teeth? Or bash I privation a floury, undersized pome that was good connected its mode out? You cognize the answer. If you’re that desperate, conscionable spell to the escaped adults’ effect basket. The dumpster down the supermarket. Exact aforesaid fruit, overmuch bigger basket.